The Endless Circle - Great Expectations

Most of us probably know of a novel written by an author (perhaps you have heard of him?) - a man by the name of Charles Dickens. The first edition of this novel is from about 1861, back when the USA was a young country and Canada was just about to become a country.

It's a story about a young man, named Pip, who finds out his benefactor is a convict. He thought it was a Lady, but he learns things are not what they appear to be.

That was almost 200 years ago - I think that I got from this story a strong message. Expectations are seldom, if never, what you want them to be. Unless you are in a position of power, high authority or a tyrannical leader, it's not gonna happen.

Expectations. Expectations.

Merriam Webster online defines it as follows:

: a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen

: a feeling or belief about how successful, good, etc., someone or something will be

Let  me back up the clock, to about 30 years ago.

 When I was a young guy, still living at home, my Dad was always a positive cynic. What the fuck do you mean by that? Well, he was the guy who would sit in front of the TV and mock the commercials, saying things like "..oh yeah, I'm gonna run right out and buy Calgon - it will make my bathtub a fuckin' oasis..." or he would be watching the news, and they would be interviewing some politician or CEO who got caught stealing or hobby-horsing some underage kid and he would be all in tears and remorseful for the camera. My Dad would look at the TV, then look at me and say "...fucking phony prick...the only Goddamn thing you are sorry for is getting caught with your dong stuck in something that it shouldn't have been stuck in..."

However, he was also the kind of guy that if I had a really bad day at school or my baseball team lost, he would put his hand on my shoulder and say "...well, tomorrow is another day, right? Don't let it get you down. It's not the end of the world..."

See how much of a paradox that was?

I think it's affected me as an adult in a few ways.

1. Cynical - I have this Bullshit Detector that is running all the time, 24x7x365 - I always thing that someone has an angle. If someone is giving me the "..oh, I care about you and your's..." speech, I am always ready to say "..okay...what are you trying to sell me and what's it gonna cost...?"

2. High Expectations - I wake up in the morning, every day and the first thing that is in my head is "...today is going to be better than yesterday....I'm going to get so much accomplished...." Then, when that doesn't happen, I get angry. I get upset. I'm disappointed. Ugh.

See the pattern? I think I set myself up for failure. I want to be positive and I want to be productive, but when I hit a roadblock, I get frustrated. My first reaction is to throw my arms up and say "..fuck it....I'm not even gonna bother...". Then I get mad. Then I start thinking about how much I hate this or hate that. Then I get mean. Then I want to lash out. Then I do lash out. Then I sit and sulk. Then my anger subsides but it's too late. I've brought someone else down. I've become a person that I hate. A toxic person.

However, I still start all over again the next day.

Holy fuck - stop this shit.....FUCKING STOP!!!

No wonder I'm:

1. fat
2. have hypertension
3. have a cluttered and messy house
4. can't get out of my own way
5. feel like I'm about to pop a Jesus vein all the time.

I'm sure that I'm stressed out. Depressed, anxious, tired, frustrated.

I also think that 90% of it is my own fault.

So, how do I become not fat, not depressed, and get out of my own way? One of two ways - I can either :

a. work to strive for excellence so that my life is better, make more money, sell more shit, write more code, suck up to people of money and power, stomp on those in my way, run over all the roadblocks..

OR

b. Lower my expectations of achievements, people and things .

So, If I lower my expectations, think that I'm going to fuck everything up, not get anything done, stay fat, have to keep taking BP medicine, keep taking my happy pills, accept the fact that I am going to live, work and die in misery, then things will be okay. Right?

For the last several weeks, I've tried a social experiment. I have eliminated some false expectations from my life. I get out of bed, and say to myself "...maybe things won't go my way, perhaps I'll just have to expect things to be different..." or say to my wife "..okay...let's set some expectations here...no assuming...what's going to happen? What time are we.....? Who are we...? ....". I have to say, for the most part, it's worked. However, when I slip back into my old ways of expecting things to go my way, I become a prick when it doesn't work out. If I want someone to help me with the dishes, ask. If I want someone to cook food, so that I don't have to , ask. If I want the house picked up, either do it myself or ask. Expecting things to happen seldom works. In reality, you can't come home and expect that things will be quiet, stable and equal - they aren't. Unless you lobotomize everyone in your house and hire a maid to do everything, it's not gonna happen.

I think that I will expect that things may not go my way and expect that I'm going to be frustrated. Or, better yet - get off my fat arse and make things better for myself.

Just a thought...

Peace.