Zen and The Art of Separation Anxiety

For those of you that know me, it is no secret that I am on my second (and last!) marriage. I was married to my college sweetheart and it is not secret that we got along "..like a house on fire.." to quote a New Order song. We were married in 1988 ( I was 22 and she was 21 - we were kids - way too young in hindsight) . We lasted until early 1996 - then we called it quits. It was either go our separate ways, become drug addicts/alcoholics or one of us would have wound up in jail for murder. We called it quits. No one is in jail.

In the months to follow, there was emotions of all sorts - hate, agony, relief, sadness, happiness, bliss, anger, depression ( am I forgetting any?) . Our divorce was finalized in 1997 and my ex has custody of our now 15 year old daughter. I personally would have not had it any other way. I was not in a position to raise a daughter. It would have been more detrimental than positive. I am kind of sad that I did not get to watch her grow up, but what was the alternative? I was seriously screwed up, suffering from all sorts of happy undiagnosed shit. If it were not for Cathy, I would still be walking around leaving a trail of destruction wherever I chose to tread. Good for business as far as the pharmaceutical/counseling field is concerned. I guess we are approaching Bradburian Bliss as I type this (hence the book 'Fahrenheit 451 - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fahrenheit_451 or George Lucas' Thx 1138 - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/THX_1138) .

Anyway, on to my point..

I know when my ex and I were splitting, every son of a bitch that I knew became what my Dad referred to as a 'Lower Deck Lawyer' -( a Navy term - best way to explain it is that most guys on the ship lived below the main decks - hence Lower-Deck - get it?). I got the "..you need to do .." and "....she can't do that..." and "...you deserve...". It got old, very, VERY quickly. So, I just finally turned inward. I did not slag her openly. I did not speak ill of her to friends. I did not speak ill of her to family. When people slag their exes or soon-to-be-exes, I think that it isn't really fair. They were in the relationship too. Like the saying goes: '..it takes two to Tango..' . So, if people want to vent to me about their exes or soon-to-bes, feel free. Get it done. Get it finished. Get them out of your life. Do it. Done. Goodbye. That is it. Don't Flog the Dead Horse.

We were parting ways - that was it.

I believe that there was more to both of us than met the eye. Her life is her own business now. I have not been the best Dad to my daughter, and she knows it. I have this habit of turning inward when I was sad. I am sure that she ( my ex) is happier now. My only real regret is that I should have kept in my daughter's life much, MUCH more than I did. I am hoping that she allows me back into her life. The distance is not a factor as much anymore as I have free long-distance to Canada and the internet is always on.

So, if you are splitting up with your spouse/partner/significant other, is it really wise to turn it into Operation D-Day or Peal Harbor? Of course we all love gossip, but there is a limit. When you are married, you are USUALLY an adult. When you get divorced, you are still an adult. Let's all act like one.


Peace

"..Mom? Can I have 50 cents to go to the store...?" "..Jesus, kid..what am I a bank??"

(Op-Ed - I had a HUGE crush on Carol Brady - I wanted her to be my Mom and then when I grew up, I wanted to marry her - how is that for a Freudian Cliche!?)

I remember when I was about 5 my Mom and Dad decided to call it quits. I think that at that time they had been married for about 16 years. Dad told  me that he got married way too young. Mainly he wanted his 'girlfriend' to come to the UK with him when he volunteered to serve as on Thetis Class Boats in the Royal Navy (submarines, for those of you that do not know what I am talking about)

So, Dad bounced from Mary (my Mom) to Nancy (the Step-Monster). As an adult (who me??) he told me that he wanted a babysitter for his kids as he wanted to advance his military career. It was 1971 and I guess that was the thing to do. He also told me that VERY early in his relationship with the She-Dragon, he knew it was a mistake. (get this - Wedding Night!).

Back in late 1989,  they called it quits. To quote Joe Pesci "..isn't THAT a fuckin' surprise??..". That was a messy divorce, Dad really kept his cool. I respect him for that. Personally, I don't know how I would have reacted if I were in his shoes. I guess he learned how to keep his wits about him. He told me that he is now just happy to "..have her the fuck out of my Goddamn life...:"

So, Dad is on wife number three now. Wonderful gal, I love her lots. Gail is her name. I wonder if I would be as fucked up as I am today if Dad would have married her instead of the Step-Dragon? Anyone have a T.A.R.D.I.S. that can give me a ride back to about 1970? So I can manipulate that? 

So, as the story goes, I didn't really have a Mom growing up. Nancy was quick to spank, punish, demean, ridicule, neglect, make fun of and throw a shoe at me and blackened my eye. Try that shit today - see if you can count how many Government Agencies pay you a visit!

Not looking for sympathy or someone to go "...awww, poor Glen...". I just wanted to say that it took me until about 6 or 7 months ago that I never really had a mother figure. Is this why I am so fucked up? Was I born this way? Apparently , the Step-Monster used to ask me if I was 'retarded' or 'stupid' or '..you father must have picked up the wrong baby at the hospital..' . It was hurtful. I guess it is kind of a clear sign when at 7 your Step-Monster goes into the hospital to have a tumour removed and you hope she dies and doesn't come home. I was actually disappointed when I came home from school one day and saw her on the couch.

So, I guess my point is that those of you that are Moms (or Dads), what you say to your kids and what you do in front of your kids leaves a lasting impression. Cathy had good role models , I did not. I am constantly saying to her "...what should I do..?" "..what should I say..?" when the kids step out of line or get themselves in some kind of shit-house. At 42, I am still fucking clueless as to what I am doing, but there is one saying that we should all remember before saying something to our kids:

"..Do unto others as you wish them to do unto you..."

Anyway, my own Mom, Mary, died peacefully when Mikayla was about a month or two old. Sad, that I can't remember the date. It was late 2002 or early 2003. I guess I am just suppressing it.

Some time in the future, you may be wheelchair ridden, bed ridden and out of your mind with dementia, Alzheimer's or some other brain disease. You will have absolutely no control over what your kids do then.

Karma is a bitch. 

Payback is a bitch.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms. And to my Mom - if they have WiFi in Heaven.

Peace

Glen