"....Could you please explain....The Hurting..."

For those of you familiar with it, back in 1983 'Tears For Fears' released an album called 'The Hurting'. Probably the band's best album to date (this guy's opinion anyway). Kind of sad, but some lyrics that make you stop and go "...shit, I never thought..." or "...wow, that is really sad...".

I remember when I was about 16, I saw this record at 'Records On Wheels' in North Bay, ON. I picked it up and looked at the cover. I could not stop staring. I walked over to the guy working in the store. I asked him about the album, and with a grin he said "...you may like it...check it out...if you don't, bring it back and I will scratch it...ha....". I was a regular there. I used to spend hours in there, talking to him about music and such. He was a huge source of knowledge.

So, I dropped the $8.95 + tax and thanked him. I carried my bag with my new vinyl in it to the bus stop. I got on the bus and sat down - took the record out and began to look at it again. All of a sudden I realised why I purchased this album. The kid on the cover was me. For the 12 years previous to this moment, I was being raised by a woman who is mentally ill, used shame and guilt as a weapon and would belittle me any chance she got. Never praised me when I had achievements but would criticize when I made mistakes. Was very quick with the 'do as I say not as I do' philosophy, but if you caught her in a mistake, there was hell to pay. This woman would try her hardest to ruin my good mood in the morning - "...Jesus, will you just SHUT UP!! Don't you ever shut that big mouth of yours???!!.." I would hear in the morning. I drove her crazy, I know I did. She was not a morning person as I was. I still tried to win her approval. No matter what, I turned the other cheek. I just wanted a Mom.

My parents split back in '71 when I was about 5 - my Dad married this , ahem, woman. He got custody of me and dragged me from Dartmouth NS to Victoria BC. It did not take long for her talons and fangs to come out. Seemed like I could not do anything right. I guess she needed someone to push around and I let her do it. She was the bully and I was the nerdy kid with the lunch money. Well, what is a 5 year old boy going to do? Call the cops? No, I figured I would keep trying to win her approval and 'make her love me'.

So, why am I spilling my guts about this? Well, funny you should ask..

This morning, I got out of bed around 0520, feeling like shit. I went to bed WAY too late last night. Cathy and I stayed up to watch a show that we had on the TiVo (final episode of '24' - cheesy and tacky, but it was an addictive show as I have always loved the 'cliffhangers').

So, I dragged my sorry arse out of bed, came downstairs and made the kids lunches for school. I made my tea and dragged my arse around, sighing and humming and hawhing......tired. Got about 5 hours - not enough for this old phoquer. I need 6-7 to function. Shit..

So, Jordan is ready for the bus, then I get Cathy out of bed. I usually let Mikayla sleep for a bit. When I went upstairs she was up. Again, I sighed to myself. She is like a housefly on LSD in the morning. Loves to talk, follows you around, talk-talk-talk-talk....hey, I am a morning person, but I need to keep her at bay. This morning was especially difficult. I suddenly found myself barking and snapping at her, not giving her a chance....

All of a sudden, I realised - "...could you please explain...The Hurting...". I felt awful! I suddenly sank way, way down and just wanted to start to cry. I was doing to this kid what the Step-Monster did to me. She just wants my approval. She just wants love and affection like the rest of us. I left the room for a while. When I came back, I gave her a hug and kissed her on the head. I don't think she clued in as to what was happening, but I felt like I needed to do that. She is a perfect clone of her father in girl-form. Mouthy, smart-ass, button-pusher, major attitude. However, she is kind, considerate and caring of others and all living things. Exactly like me when I was 7.

So, I guess what I need to do is make sure that when Mikayla is a teenager, she does not look at a vinyl record with a sad kid on the front and realise that it is her. I know that I am not a perfect parent. I still don't have a clue. Really, I don't. I have been flying my the arse of my pants since day one. The only thing I really do know, is that I don't want any of my kids to grow up and hate me. I have made some mistakes, some really good ones. I just hope I can correct them at least partially.

The Hurting - well, I think I can explain it: Mom or Dad is miserable, opens mouth without engaging brain - kid grows up thinking that they are worthless. Can we avoid The Hurting? Yes, we can. My sister, Diane (RIP) once told me that if I was angry, count to 10 before talking. If I was REALLY angry, count to 100.

So, let's all avoid The Hurting. However, the album is worth the find.