"What the fuck is a 'grande'? Just gimme a cup of coffee, Goddamnit!!!"

Well, this is actually a quote from a short lived series on Showtime a few years back. The show was called 'Odyssey 5' - Peter Weller (Robocop, Buckaroo Bonzai) was the lead role in this show. He was an astronaut who did what appeared to be 'Black Ops' type missions, which were snuck in under his nose. One of the missions went terribly wrong and the payload they were carrying somehow incinerated the planet Earth.

Wow - how's that for a series opener.

Well, this alien race caught up with them, saved their bacon at the last minute and teleported them 5 years into the past. Apparently, there were unseen forces at work, right under everyone's noses, which were evil, clandestine and trying to take over. The Drones-In-Suits at Showtime decided to cancel the series. Luckily, the last episode tied up most of the loose ends, but there were some questions which are still unanswered. These twits and the over-paid lower-primates at Fox deserve a huge boot in the 'bah-jine-er' as they tend to shit-can series when they are getting exciting. (Open letter to Rupert Murdoch - I would like to bitch-slap you for cancelling 'Terminator - The Sara Connor Chronicles' - if I ever meet you, I will turn you around and boot you in your arse so hard you will land back in the Land Down Under).

Anyway, this is not about TV shows - it is about what we have become. Selfish, phony, plastic, greedy, narcissistic assholes. We order our coffee 'grande', our salads are 'Al Fresco', our sauces are chipolte, Dijon and lite ranch. Our cars have to have the latest gadgetry, our mobile phones have to be 1-million G and our televisions have to be 1080p and 3D LED - even though no one broadcasts in 1080p yet!.

I think what sparked this in me is this advert that I saw on the web - the graphic on the right:

"Life Is Short - Have An Affair"

Holy Shite, Batman! I know more couples that are splitting up than ones that are staying together. No one is happy with their spouse. Everyone is miserable. The girls are starving for attention, so they get the nicest clothes, try to lose weight and change their hair just to get the boys to notice them. Guys just continue to coast along, get fat, drink beer, and play video games. Hey, I am not perfect by any means. I am on my second marriage. My wife has kicked me in the ass more than once. I sometimes make her crazy. However, when it gets right down to it, I appreciate her for who she is. I don't care if she needs to lose a few pounds. I could care less about the graying. I love her for who she is. We talk. I sometimes beat things to death. If she catches me in a fib or a double-standard, I own up. The rules are the same for both of us. As do I point out when she, once in a rare blue-moon, pulls a double-standard on me.

So, I see an advert telling me to have an affair, sporting a large-breasted woman, sitting there, half-nekkid, in a position that is encouraging me to have sex with her. Yes, I said it. So, some guy (or gal), who is in a tumultuous relationship, will see this and the wheels will start. Yeah, so start looking on whatever web page this directs you to. Soon enough, you will be out gyrating between the sheets at Motel 6 (may even leave the light on for ya - yeah, do it with the lights on! You can see her stretch marks and she can see your zit-scars and shag carpet - ha - SHAG! HA!!)

So, now you have gone to the 'cheatin side o town'. How do you feel? Lots of implications now. What is he/she thinking? What are you thinking? You have opened a huge Pandora's Box. Oh yes. What do you do now? You go home, and kiss your kids goodnight. You crawl into bed with your spouse. How do you feel? This is the person you married. For better or worse, 'til death do us part?

Let it be known that I am not perfect. I don't have skeletons, I have a whole graveyard in my closet. I am not going to admit or deny anything, but I will say that you, my friend, have begun to tread on dangerous ground. All because that little advert in the corner of your web browser.

Let's face facts, boys and girls. We all have free will. We all decide what we do and don't do. We are all smart enough to realise what is good, bad, right and wrong.

So, my point of view? Why not have an advert to 'remind you of what made you fall all over one another in the first place' - wow, would that not be a shocker!

We can go out together, you with your graying hair, me with my carpet. I will order a large coffee, and you can order turkey sandwich with mustard and pickles on it. Then we can go home together, in our 7 year old mini-van and watch our 6 year old TV. I will call my dad on my old Nokia 6600 GSM phone. We will think about the things that make us happy together. I will tell you my secrets and you will tell me yours. I will kiss our kids goodnight with a clear conscience and will tell you that I love you with a clear conscience.

Oh, one more thing: I will search for things on the web to make our relationship interesting...and yes, I will make your tea for you and it will not be 'grande' - it will be in a very large glass with ice.