"..I hope I die before I get old...."

"...talkin' 'bout my generation..."

Well, it's happened. I have joined the ranks of the old people. When I was a kid, you never heard of your friends' Dad or Mom getting sick unless it was the flu, a cold but I only remember one friend who had a parent die from heart disease.

My Mom, was a big time smoker, liked her rye and ate whatever she wanted. In the 1970s, she was taking birth control pills and had some pretty bad hypertension. All this together was a disaster waiting to happen. Eventually, at the age of 38, my sisters found her on the floor motionless. She has a stroke. A good one too. It paralysed her on the right side and she has to learn to walk and function all over again. She lived for almost 30 more years but she took it seriously. Gave up her bad habits and lived healthy.

Fast forward to 2016. For weeks, even months I've been kind of run down, getting chest pains and sometimes they travel into both arms. One day in September or October, I was out walking with my kids and I had to stop because it hurt. It hurt like a motherfucker. I have had digestive problems my whole life, hernias, ulcers, reflux, plus I'm a porker (quit smoking in 1989 and replaced it with food). So, I figured bad gas. I stopped, farted a few times, burped the alphabet and all was well. This went on and off for the next several weeks. Sometimes it was non-existent. Sometimes it was mild. I didn't worry about it. Then, the levee broke.

I was out walking last Monday morning. I was pushing pretty hard as I had eaten turkey and Christ knows what over the last several days. It started to hurt again. More and more. It was to the point where it was unbearable. I stopped, it went away. I started back up again, and there it was. I got back to the house and it was excruciating. I sat down and it subsided, but then I felt like I was going to puke. The tingling behind your ears, the excessive salivating - yup, it was coming up. "..this is not right....holy fuck....I'm gonna die....". Fuck I haven't seen the latest Star Trek movie yet...(well, that's not the first thought I had...but you get the idea). I was going to ignore it but this one was the worst yet. I couldn't. So, the nausea subsided, the pain subsided, and I thought it was smart (after talking to people) that I should go to the hospital.

I was admitted. Fuckers. I hate hospitals. They took what is called troponin levels, then a few hours later again. Apparently, I had some sort of cardiac incident. Textbook unstable angina. Now, we had to figure out why.

Xrays, sonograms, and more xrays showed a small blockage. It was in a blood vessel at the bottom of the heart muscle. That's what made things hurt. Apparently, your heart muscle needs blood flow. If not, it gets pissed off and reacts. Mine got really pissed off. Then came the catheterization. They lay you on a table, completely bare-ass, and dope you up. Then you get a tube fed into an artery in your arm, feed it like a plumbing snake all the way up into your heart muscle. With this, they inject dyes so they can see your organs moving around in 4K on a 72" monitor. That was the fun part. The not so fun part is that toward the end I was spasming, and my neck and arm hurt like a sonofoabitch. Lucky for me, he was done.

Well, now I'm taking a statin drug and a beta-blocker - also, daily ASA. Just like the old fuckers you see at Dunkin' Donuts or fighting to get first in line at the lab for bloodwork. When I was a kid, heart disease was for old men in nursing homes. When two different cardiac surgeons look you straight in the face and tell you that this could kill you if you don't follow their instructions, it puts things in perspective. I figured "..yup, I'm a fat-ass that's why..." Apparently, I inherited this from my Mom. Heart disease is 70% genetic so it was bound to happen sooner or later.

What does this mean for me? Well, pills, of course. Also, I'm back on Weight Watchers because I love to eat. It's the only vice that I have left. I'm 50 years old and I could have died from heart failure. It scared me. Really frightened. However, this was a really, really loud alarm clock. It was telling me "..look, Jumbo...time to take care of yourself....stop stuffing your cake-hole with Mars bars and taco chips, get off your ass and exercise once in a while..."

I think that this time I'm gonna listen...I may be too old to rock and roll, but I'm much too young to die.

Peace

"...all you're ever gonna be is mean..."

I'm not a Taylor Swift fan, but my son loves her.

However, one of her songs, which is clearly about bullying, sends a powerful message. It talks about those who are mean. Mean to her.

I'm bringing this up because I try my damnedest to be kind to everyone. I'm far from perfect, but I do know that I try to treat everyone equally. I try to be kind, and I try to be polite.

However, when I am kind and polite to someone, and they come back with something really nasty or mean, it's kind of hurtful. You put your feelings out there, and someone stomps all over them. It's not nice, it's hurtful and it's just plain fucking mean.

As I look around me, in public places, such as coffee shops, corner stores, shopping malls and even when I'm driving on the Interstate, I see such misery in people's faces. Sometimes I think that it's because everyone is so mean to each other. What I want to know is why? I know that several times per week, someone does or says something that just pisses me off. I know that I see unhappy clerks at the gross-ery store or 7-11 when I get snacks or drinks. When I see someone like that, I ask them "...hey, are you having a bad day, or are you just feeling foul today..." Normally, they look at me and say something like "...oh, I'm just tired..." or "....I had an argument with..." Then I'll try to lighten it, and make a smart-ass remark to get them to giggle or smile. Normally, it works. Sometimes, it explodes all over me like a shit-shower.

When I was a young kid, my dad used to say "...nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.." and "...do unto others as you wish them to do unto you.." - he was always like that. He had his moments where he would say nasty shit, but he would acknowledge it after the fact.

My problem - if someone is intentionally mean to me, I have a really difficult time getting past it. I'm kind of thin-skinned like that. I'm guilty of being a cock-head at times, but I try to apologize for my dumb-fuckery when it comes about.

So, how about if everyone else was like that? I wonder if we would take less pills, stress eat less, keep jobs and relationships longer and mostly, stop fucking up our kids so that they grow from little assholes into great big fucking bitches and pricks.

That is all...

The Endless Circle - Great Expectations

Most of us probably know of a novel written by an author (perhaps you have heard of him?) - a man by the name of Charles Dickens. The first edition of this novel is from about 1861, back when the USA was a young country and Canada was just about to become a country.

It's a story about a young man, named Pip, who finds out his benefactor is a convict. He thought it was a Lady, but he learns things are not what they appear to be.

That was almost 200 years ago - I think that I got from this story a strong message. Expectations are seldom, if never, what you want them to be. Unless you are in a position of power, high authority or a tyrannical leader, it's not gonna happen.

Expectations. Expectations.

Merriam Webster online defines it as follows:

: a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen

: a feeling or belief about how successful, good, etc., someone or something will be

Let  me back up the clock, to about 30 years ago.

 When I was a young guy, still living at home, my Dad was always a positive cynic. What the fuck do you mean by that? Well, he was the guy who would sit in front of the TV and mock the commercials, saying things like "..oh yeah, I'm gonna run right out and buy Calgon - it will make my bathtub a fuckin' oasis..." or he would be watching the news, and they would be interviewing some politician or CEO who got caught stealing or hobby-horsing some underage kid and he would be all in tears and remorseful for the camera. My Dad would look at the TV, then look at me and say "...fucking phony prick...the only Goddamn thing you are sorry for is getting caught with your dong stuck in something that it shouldn't have been stuck in..."

However, he was also the kind of guy that if I had a really bad day at school or my baseball team lost, he would put his hand on my shoulder and say "...well, tomorrow is another day, right? Don't let it get you down. It's not the end of the world..."

See how much of a paradox that was?

I think it's affected me as an adult in a few ways.

1. Cynical - I have this Bullshit Detector that is running all the time, 24x7x365 - I always thing that someone has an angle. If someone is giving me the "..oh, I care about you and your's..." speech, I am always ready to say "..okay...what are you trying to sell me and what's it gonna cost...?"

2. High Expectations - I wake up in the morning, every day and the first thing that is in my head is "...today is going to be better than yesterday....I'm going to get so much accomplished...." Then, when that doesn't happen, I get angry. I get upset. I'm disappointed. Ugh.

See the pattern? I think I set myself up for failure. I want to be positive and I want to be productive, but when I hit a roadblock, I get frustrated. My first reaction is to throw my arms up and say "..fuck it....I'm not even gonna bother...". Then I get mad. Then I start thinking about how much I hate this or hate that. Then I get mean. Then I want to lash out. Then I do lash out. Then I sit and sulk. Then my anger subsides but it's too late. I've brought someone else down. I've become a person that I hate. A toxic person.

However, I still start all over again the next day.

Holy fuck - stop this shit.....FUCKING STOP!!!

No wonder I'm:

1. fat
2. have hypertension
3. have a cluttered and messy house
4. can't get out of my own way
5. feel like I'm about to pop a Jesus vein all the time.

I'm sure that I'm stressed out. Depressed, anxious, tired, frustrated.

I also think that 90% of it is my own fault.

So, how do I become not fat, not depressed, and get out of my own way? One of two ways - I can either :

a. work to strive for excellence so that my life is better, make more money, sell more shit, write more code, suck up to people of money and power, stomp on those in my way, run over all the roadblocks..

OR

b. Lower my expectations of achievements, people and things .

So, If I lower my expectations, think that I'm going to fuck everything up, not get anything done, stay fat, have to keep taking BP medicine, keep taking my happy pills, accept the fact that I am going to live, work and die in misery, then things will be okay. Right?

For the last several weeks, I've tried a social experiment. I have eliminated some false expectations from my life. I get out of bed, and say to myself "...maybe things won't go my way, perhaps I'll just have to expect things to be different..." or say to my wife "..okay...let's set some expectations here...no assuming...what's going to happen? What time are we.....? Who are we...? ....". I have to say, for the most part, it's worked. However, when I slip back into my old ways of expecting things to go my way, I become a prick when it doesn't work out. If I want someone to help me with the dishes, ask. If I want someone to cook food, so that I don't have to , ask. If I want the house picked up, either do it myself or ask. Expecting things to happen seldom works. In reality, you can't come home and expect that things will be quiet, stable and equal - they aren't. Unless you lobotomize everyone in your house and hire a maid to do everything, it's not gonna happen.

I think that I will expect that things may not go my way and expect that I'm going to be frustrated. Or, better yet - get off my fat arse and make things better for myself.

Just a thought...

Peace.

Society is Broken - and I cannot fix it.

I have been called negative, cynical, a downer, a crybaby, a girly-man, and a male version of a bitch. I agree with all of those adjectives - every one.

However, for every story, there is a back-story. No one is born crazy, rude, miserable, psychotic, or fucked up. We BECOME this way. Is it nature or nurture? I don't know.

Some infamous criminals:

1. Jeffery Dhamer - number one all fucked-up as far as I am concerned. He preyed on young men and cannibalized them because he never wanted to part with them. His justification was that he wanted to keep them forever. His roots were common - alcoholic and abusive parents, broken home, did time in the military. How many people do you know like that (I am holding up my hand)
2. Clifford Olson - brutally assaulted his victims and sent the audio recordings to the family. Seems like he was just a bad-ass growing up. Not really family problems, just regular stuff. Petty crime, then more serious crimes, then brutal murders.
3. David Russell Williams - liked girls undies but somehow turned to killing

Maybe these are a little extreme. What I want to vent about is not killers or rapists, it is about the general populous. The neighbour, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. People. I guess perhaps I set my standards too high or maybe I just expect more. I know I am not perfect, and I have my days where I could easily fall into the category of 'fucking asshole' or 'dickhead' - however, I try my best to practice the "..do unto others..." philosophy.

So, why are we so angry? Well, I have a theory:

I'm driving on the highway, I find my exit and I try to move over. However, the Tony Stewart Wannabe cuts me off, or speeds up so that I almost miss my exit. I get frustrated. I have a shitty-on. I get off the highway, go to turn and someone is trying to enter from an intersection. I see them and think "..screw you...wait..." They try to get in but I won't let them and I lean on my horn. Now, they are angry - the cycle continues.

After this happens to you enough times, you become cynical and hardened. You expect it. You stop using your manners and continue to get angry. Then, you arrive at your destination and you are still angry. It's a doctor's office. You are on time for your appointment, but they are 'running late' - you get more angry and you take it out on the poor minimum wage gal behind the counter. She is now angry. Her kid calls her with a simple request, and she bites their head off. Now the kid is angry. The kid posts an angry comment on Facebook or Twitter, and the kid that they post it about gets angry....you see how things manifest?

So, how about if we all slow down and just chill. Ignore the fucker that cuts you off. Stop getting angry over shit you have no control of. Most importantly - lower your expectations. That way, when something good happens, you are pleasantly surprised!

Peace. 

Have you heard? Have you heard that the ‘Bird Is The Word’.

Send you a love letter...know what a love letter is....?

Let me talk a little about  the shooting in Connecticut yesterday. I must confess that I did not read the whole story, as I have enough things in my life that make me stressed out, sad, depressed and angry. So, I am not going to read it. However, I wanted to put in my 2 cents worth about guns, the Second Amendment and the whole "right to bear arms" thingy.

All the stuff going around the social networking sites, the news stories, the emails. Yes, it is a horrible thing. A tragic thing and I cannot imagine the horrors and pain that some folks are experiencing as I write this.

In the recent past, there was the Batman Movie shootings, Virginia Tech and of course Columbine. I am not one of those zealots that support guns or even own one anymore. We do have one, but it is an heirloom. That is why we keep it and as far as I know, it has never been fired. So, I wanted to comment on violence in general and what leads up to it.

I am not a psychologist or even pretend to be an expert on human behavior, but I think people are missing a really big and really valid point. Yes, guns kill people, and people kill people too, as do car crashes as do heart attacks and so does cancer. Lots of things kill people, some preventable, some not.

I am going to step back for a moment - and look at this from a common sense point of view.

Scenario - a baby is born, and mom takes him/her home from the hospital. That kid can go in several directions. He/she can grow up to be a law-biding respectable member of society or he/she can grow up, be in and out of jail, become addicted to drugs/booze and perhaps resort to criminal activity to support the habit. Or, he/she could grow up to be a violent, crazy, uncontrollable manic. Perhaps he/she will grow up to be a priest or a nun. Perhaps a scientist that cures AIDS. Perhaps a wife/husband abuser that eventually kills their partner. We can never, ever know. To quote William Shakespeare "...look ye into the seeds of time...tell me which will grow and which will not...then speak unto me...".

However, the bad things have a chance of being prevented. It is easier than we might think. I should actually be charging for this information, it is so golden. Ready for it...okay here goes:

Mom, Dad.....spend time with your kid. Talk to them. See what is going on in their lives. Look at their Facebook and other accounts. Watch their behaviors. Discipline them when they fuck up. Praise them when they do well. This way, they will develop a sense of morality, a conscience and realize that aggression is not the way to solve things. I am willing to bet that all of the incidents that I mentioned above, there was some deep trauma, neglect or abuse of the antagonist(s). Something, somewhere along the way, made them snap. Think 'Boomtown Rats - I Don't Like Mondays' . It is like a snowball effect. Frustration, anger, aggression, violence and  then it just gets worse.

So, don't start slagging the Americans because they have a Constitution, don't start slagging because of the separation of Church and State, don't say that gun control is needed. It's not. What is needed is for parents to get off their ass, teach their children the 'right way', so they don't grow up thinking it is okay to be disrespectful, aggressive and even violent. Stop blaming the wrong people and use your brain.

That's all - Glen

"de de ding, ding, ding ding, ding-ding-diiiiinggg"

Imagine the dueling banjos from 'Deliverance'.

Well, off to a concert tonight. Those of you that have families will understand that sometimes you gotta do stuff to make them happy.

A motivational speaker that I saw years ago, taught me 'The Dry Turkey Concept'.

He told of a colleague of his that used to hate going to his in-laws for Thanksgiving because the turkey was always dry, her father-in-law was a Neo-Nazi Stromm Thurmann type Ultra-Conservative and he was tired of hearing racial slurs all night like "N" word and "Beaner" and other nasty shit.

So, this speaker said to him - "...well, if it is important to your wife and kids, then, go, pour as much gravy on the turkey as you can and suck it up -turn the conversation to other stuff so you don't have to listen to his drivel...or, just don't go...it is that simple."

Sometimes the latter is not really a wise option. So, today, I am going to see a big country act - Brooks And Dunn - whom I am not really crazy about. However, they are in my respectable category. If Ronnie Dunn and Kicks Brooks (yes that is his real name) can sell out stadiums all over the country, they must be doing something right. I don't see it, but my wife, kids and mother in law do. So, lots and lots of gravy for me today - what will the gravy be? Not sure yet, I will figure it out when I get there.

However, I will keep an open mind. I will not make anyone's life miserable and I will not do anything to ruin anyone's fun. I have always believed music has three categories:

1. Talent - I like it because it appeals to me.(Lou Reed, Zeppelin, Nick Cave, Scott Severin)
2. Respectable - talent, but not really something that you would find me listening to, but respect. (Brooks and Dunn, Metallica, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard)
3. Shit - there is way too much shit out there. No talent, no creativity, no substance and thrown together in a matter of hours with some second-rate bullshit.(Ke$ha, Taylor Swift, Shania Twain, and Justin Bieber - good God - I just found out he is Canadian - sorry - not going to renouncing my Citizenship because of it.)

I think 'Brooks & Dunn' are talented but I just don't 'feel' it - you know what I mean, Vern? I will make the best of it, I will look at is as exploring and observing. I will enjoy it because it will make my wife and children happy!

However, I will be happy to come back home!

Wish me luck. I have survived much, MUCH worse than this.

G