"de de ding, ding, ding ding, ding-ding-diiiiinggg"

Imagine the dueling banjos from 'Deliverance'.

Well, off to a concert tonight. Those of you that have families will understand that sometimes you gotta do stuff to make them happy.

A motivational speaker that I saw years ago, taught me 'The Dry Turkey Concept'.

He told of a colleague of his that used to hate going to his in-laws for Thanksgiving because the turkey was always dry, her father-in-law was a Neo-Nazi Stromm Thurmann type Ultra-Conservative and he was tired of hearing racial slurs all night like "N" word and "Beaner" and other nasty shit.

So, this speaker said to him - "...well, if it is important to your wife and kids, then, go, pour as much gravy on the turkey as you can and suck it up -turn the conversation to other stuff so you don't have to listen to his drivel...or, just don't go...it is that simple."

Sometimes the latter is not really a wise option. So, today, I am going to see a big country act - Brooks And Dunn - whom I am not really crazy about. However, they are in my respectable category. If Ronnie Dunn and Kicks Brooks (yes that is his real name) can sell out stadiums all over the country, they must be doing something right. I don't see it, but my wife, kids and mother in law do. So, lots and lots of gravy for me today - what will the gravy be? Not sure yet, I will figure it out when I get there.

However, I will keep an open mind. I will not make anyone's life miserable and I will not do anything to ruin anyone's fun. I have always believed music has three categories:

1. Talent - I like it because it appeals to me.(Lou Reed, Zeppelin, Nick Cave, Scott Severin)
2. Respectable - talent, but not really something that you would find me listening to, but respect. (Brooks and Dunn, Metallica, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard)
3. Shit - there is way too much shit out there. No talent, no creativity, no substance and thrown together in a matter of hours with some second-rate bullshit.(Ke$ha, Taylor Swift, Shania Twain, and Justin Bieber - good God - I just found out he is Canadian - sorry - not going to renouncing my Citizenship because of it.)

I think 'Brooks & Dunn' are talented but I just don't 'feel' it - you know what I mean, Vern? I will make the best of it, I will look at is as exploring and observing. I will enjoy it because it will make my wife and children happy!

However, I will be happy to come back home!

Wish me luck. I have survived much, MUCH worse than this.

G

Taking A Trip To The Backyard – with Scott Severin & The Milton Burlesque

(L to R)Gary Foster, Tim Ranard, and Rev. Pfloyd (foreground) Scott Severin

Taking A Trip To The Backyard – with Scott Severin & The Milton Burlesque

I met Scott on Facebook, through a mutual 'Facebook-friend'. When I listened to his sounds, the first thing that I did was write him an email saying “...HEY!! Why the hell have I never heard of you??!!!..”

So, the love affair began. I wanted more of Scott's stuff. I pre-ordered his CD – 'BirdHouse Obbligato'

It arrived in the mail, and the first thing I did was rip the packaging open like a kid at Christmas and popped it into my CD player. First song '1000 Heroes'. I noticed this lyric “...we held hands as we stumbled into Hell...” and this one “...we were slaves and yet we still were free...”. Lots of paradoxical writings and probably some personal experiences for Scott.

Let me skip ahead to track 4 – title of the song is 'Farshtaist' – until I heard this song, I had never even known that word existed. I looked it up – a word from Yiddish meaning 'Do you understand?' It is pronounced FASH-tay (for those of you that remember phonics from school). This song is very interesting, educational and melancholic all at the same time.

“...now I got this little girl, she got her mother's eyes and her father's curls, and I dunno what I'm gonna say when she asks me 'bout the evils in this world...” and “..I don't know how long I can stay, Farshaist...”

These lyrics, being a parent, watching all three of my kids being squeezed, pushed or surgically brought into this 'cesspool' we call Mother Earth, really, REALLY got to me. I see that the writer was quite depressed when the song was written. I can say, yes, sometimes this world can be a swarm of horrid, diabolical evils. However, when I go out into my backyard sit still for about 5 minutes and move nothing but my eyes, I can see Mother Nature's wonders all around. It is especially more elegant when I can share it with my wife, my daughter and my son. I absolutely loved the song and listened to it over and over. Finally, I spoke with Scott and he told me that the song “...is basically a suicide note..”. I will be honest – quite a number of the references that Scott spoke of, I had to look up. Some references to the Skin Trade, some war, and some personal stuff that I will ask him about over a few beers when he tours out this way.

Scott has a captivating voice, however, I think the poor man was born tone-deaf. Like many before him, such as Leonard Cohen, Lou Reed, Nick Cave, Neil Young, Johnny Cash and Ian Curtis, I don't think that Scott could carry a tune if his life depended on it. However, if you want vocal talent, listen to Micheal Buble or Josh Groban. If you want poetry and some really good stories, listen to Scott Severin & The Milton Burlesque.

My final word: worth 60 seconds of your time and $10 of your cash to go out to CD baby and download it. It is rare in this day and age that a CD shows so much creativity and originality. I can almost guarantee you that you will not hear this on any Clearchannel or CBS Joint, but I really think Scott and his crew deserve a try.

Enjoy your walk out to the backyard - and say hello to the birds in your Birdhouse Obbligato

(Note to Scott - find some peace - I know I am still looking!)

Born Free, Window Seat or Modern Warfare 2 : The Electric Boogaloo

(my character about to get a 7.62mm frontal lobotomy)

Thanks to a friend of mine's 14 year old son, I am now an addict of FPS (first person shooter) games - Halo CE was my first taste of the drug which now I cannot seem to get enough of.

My mother in law gave me a $15.00 Gamestop card for Father's Day and another for my birthday (which occurred a week or so apart). I found a few coupons online so it went like this:

Gamestop.com

• Call of Duty - Modern Warfare 2 - $39.99 (pre-owned of course)
• Giftcards - $30.00 total.
• Coupon - 20% off any used game and free shipping:
• I had $30.00 in cards, and the 20% off/free shipping coupon:
• $38.00 credit

Total cost to Glen - $1.99 mailed to my front door. Now that I have bragged about what a tightwad I am, I will get to my point.

So, I get the game, open it up and see the 'Tipper Sticker' on it - Rated M - Blood, Gore, Language, Violence - shit! No sex? I guess Rangers or SAS are not interested in cornholing or pulling a 69er on each other.

So, I played all the way through the game and got to the end. Learned the reasons for this and that. Seeing as it was a sequel to Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, it pulled a few loose ends together. All in all, I really like it. Now, I play the online skirmishes or do the special OPs. Keeps me off of the porn web sites.

Speaking of porn, I have a point to all of this. I will get to it soon, but let me state and build my case first.

After doing a little Googling, I discovered the demography for this game:

http://www.quantcast.com/modernwarfare2.com . If I read the graphs correctly, it looks like males, Caucasian and 13-17 years old. Makes sense - boys like to play with guns. I know when I was a kid, I did. We played 'war games' all of the time. Loved it - learned strategy, stealth, all kinds of cool shit. (A buddy of mine, his dad was in the now defunct Canadian Airborne Regiment, so his dad was a good local expert on jungle/urban warfare.) So, for $59.99 when this game was released, probably Mummy and/or Daddy paying for little 13-17 year old Jimmy, Johnny or Timmy to get it at WalMart or Gamestop (seeing as it is rated M, they cannot sell it to you unless you are 18). So, on with my dit.

Now, if you jump around the web enough you will find these two things.

1. MIA Born Free http://vimeo.com/11219730 - not a problem at all to find an uncensored version of it. I will warn you that it is very violent and very graphic. It even disturbed me and I am not easily shocked. So, if you are faint-of-heart, don't watch it.
2. Another video that caught my attention was this: http://www.examiner.com/x-9259-Celebrity-Headlines-Examiner~y2010m3d31-Erykah-Badu-window-seat-video-unedited-version-is-too-risque-or-just-bad-taste . It is a musical re-enactment of the JFK assassination. All of her naughty parts are censored.

Okay, now it is time to get to my point. Question time: what is more damaging to a young person's psyche? Seeing a naked body part or seeing a human body blown to bits? I know the first time I ever saw a naked person, I stared in awe. Wow, that is what we look like. The first time I ever saw a sex scene in a movie, I think I was about 11. Made me feel all 'fuzzy' inside. (I guess 'horny' and 'fuzzy' are similar when you are a pre-teen). I know that my first sexual encounter I will remember for life (in a good way - you know who you are, oh yes you do!)

I know the first violent thing I ever saw was disturbing. I think it was an old B&W war flick, called 'Hell Is For Heroes' - a young Steve McQueen and a younger James Coburn. It was 1962 version of violence but when someone is laying there burned, and you are about 10 years old, it kind of sticks to you. I remember seeing 'Videodrome' as a young man and it actually made me wince and grimace. Oh, let us not forget 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' and the Jason Voorhies 'Friday The 13th' sequel after tasteless and violent sequel. How many different ways can you kill someone? Or, perhaps a Tarantino flick - his nonchalant ways of decapitating, castrating, stabbing, shooting, gutting or disemboweling someone while sipping a cup of tea or telling a story about a hamburger that he ate.

So, I ask this: when was the last time you saw someone in therapy for jerking off, getting a hand job from their partner, squeezing their partner's bum, or having an Earth-shattering orgasm with someone you really liked or were in love with - or not - just a romp in the sack? Has there ever been someone in the history of mankind that has become a spouse-abuser from looking at Penthouse, Playboy, Hustler or Juggs? Did Jeffery Dahmer start killing and devouring boys because he saw his mom naked or had casual sex in a night-club bathroom? Did Richard Kuklinski become a professional assassin because he liked blow-jobs?

So, what is more damaging to one's psyche? Making a sticky mess in your pants (or in girl's case, getting wet and sticky between the legs) or making a mess with someone's grey matter all over the sidewalk? Personally, I take the sticky mess in the pants - worst case scenario - take a shower and change your undies.

Sex is a natural, wonderful part of two people that are in love. It is also sometimes used as stress-relief, sometimes a sleep aid. It is something that you do for someone whom you care about. Something kind for someone you like or love. However, there are a few side-effects. Making a mess, or in the case of guy-girl sex, the girl can get pregnant. (I won't talk about rape, as that is not a sexual act, it is an act of violent empowerment over someone who is powerless) .

So, really - sex is Mother Nature's way of keeping the population going. Something few of us can resist, so a primal urge which can have the side-effect of creating new lives. Wow - Mother Nature is one smart girl.

So, my question is this? What is so bad about sex, nudity and any other erotica? I am not a psychology weenie but I don't believe that looking at naked people or looking at pornography is damaging to your mental well-being. I think it may cause damage to a 13 year old boy's penis if he does too much pud-polishing - his ding-dong may get sore. So, if it starts to get painful, stop for a day or two. As for the girls, if you want to 'frig the marble' or 'dial the rotary phone', just stop for a while if you get sore. I am willing to wager that the prison population is not full of people that had too much sex- unless they are a pedophile - which isn't sex, it's abuse.

So, if you walk in on mom and dad playing 'ride 'em cowgirl' , red faced, dad screams "..hey!! Ever hear of knocking...get outtaeah!!!" You quickly shut the door and either walk away confused or giggle. Later on mom and dad sit you down and explain to you what they were doing was private and something that people do when they care for one another (hopefully).

However, if you walked in on your mom lying in a pool of blood with her entrails hanging out and your dad standing there with a carving knife, his clothes soaked in blood, with a crazed look on his face, panting forcefully, what do you think your reaction would be?

So, my final question to all of you: why are we so hung up on censoring nudity and sexuality, but we tend to allow violence to be so 'mainstream'?

"....Could you please explain....The Hurting..."

For those of you familiar with it, back in 1983 'Tears For Fears' released an album called 'The Hurting'. Probably the band's best album to date (this guy's opinion anyway). Kind of sad, but some lyrics that make you stop and go "...shit, I never thought..." or "...wow, that is really sad...".

I remember when I was about 16, I saw this record at 'Records On Wheels' in North Bay, ON. I picked it up and looked at the cover. I could not stop staring. I walked over to the guy working in the store. I asked him about the album, and with a grin he said "...you may like it...check it out...if you don't, bring it back and I will scratch it...ha....". I was a regular there. I used to spend hours in there, talking to him about music and such. He was a huge source of knowledge.

So, I dropped the $8.95 + tax and thanked him. I carried my bag with my new vinyl in it to the bus stop. I got on the bus and sat down - took the record out and began to look at it again. All of a sudden I realised why I purchased this album. The kid on the cover was me. For the 12 years previous to this moment, I was being raised by a woman who is mentally ill, used shame and guilt as a weapon and would belittle me any chance she got. Never praised me when I had achievements but would criticize when I made mistakes. Was very quick with the 'do as I say not as I do' philosophy, but if you caught her in a mistake, there was hell to pay. This woman would try her hardest to ruin my good mood in the morning - "...Jesus, will you just SHUT UP!! Don't you ever shut that big mouth of yours???!!.." I would hear in the morning. I drove her crazy, I know I did. She was not a morning person as I was. I still tried to win her approval. No matter what, I turned the other cheek. I just wanted a Mom.

My parents split back in '71 when I was about 5 - my Dad married this , ahem, woman. He got custody of me and dragged me from Dartmouth NS to Victoria BC. It did not take long for her talons and fangs to come out. Seemed like I could not do anything right. I guess she needed someone to push around and I let her do it. She was the bully and I was the nerdy kid with the lunch money. Well, what is a 5 year old boy going to do? Call the cops? No, I figured I would keep trying to win her approval and 'make her love me'.

So, why am I spilling my guts about this? Well, funny you should ask..

This morning, I got out of bed around 0520, feeling like shit. I went to bed WAY too late last night. Cathy and I stayed up to watch a show that we had on the TiVo (final episode of '24' - cheesy and tacky, but it was an addictive show as I have always loved the 'cliffhangers').

So, I dragged my sorry arse out of bed, came downstairs and made the kids lunches for school. I made my tea and dragged my arse around, sighing and humming and hawhing......tired. Got about 5 hours - not enough for this old phoquer. I need 6-7 to function. Shit..

So, Jordan is ready for the bus, then I get Cathy out of bed. I usually let Mikayla sleep for a bit. When I went upstairs she was up. Again, I sighed to myself. She is like a housefly on LSD in the morning. Loves to talk, follows you around, talk-talk-talk-talk....hey, I am a morning person, but I need to keep her at bay. This morning was especially difficult. I suddenly found myself barking and snapping at her, not giving her a chance....

All of a sudden, I realised - "...could you please explain...The Hurting...". I felt awful! I suddenly sank way, way down and just wanted to start to cry. I was doing to this kid what the Step-Monster did to me. She just wants my approval. She just wants love and affection like the rest of us. I left the room for a while. When I came back, I gave her a hug and kissed her on the head. I don't think she clued in as to what was happening, but I felt like I needed to do that. She is a perfect clone of her father in girl-form. Mouthy, smart-ass, button-pusher, major attitude. However, she is kind, considerate and caring of others and all living things. Exactly like me when I was 7.

So, I guess what I need to do is make sure that when Mikayla is a teenager, she does not look at a vinyl record with a sad kid on the front and realise that it is her. I know that I am not a perfect parent. I still don't have a clue. Really, I don't. I have been flying my the arse of my pants since day one. The only thing I really do know, is that I don't want any of my kids to grow up and hate me. I have made some mistakes, some really good ones. I just hope I can correct them at least partially.

The Hurting - well, I think I can explain it: Mom or Dad is miserable, opens mouth without engaging brain - kid grows up thinking that they are worthless. Can we avoid The Hurting? Yes, we can. My sister, Diane (RIP) once told me that if I was angry, count to 10 before talking. If I was REALLY angry, count to 100.

So, let's all avoid The Hurting. However, the album is worth the find.

"What the fuck is a 'grande'? Just gimme a cup of coffee, Goddamnit!!!"

Well, this is actually a quote from a short lived series on Showtime a few years back. The show was called 'Odyssey 5' - Peter Weller (Robocop, Buckaroo Bonzai) was the lead role in this show. He was an astronaut who did what appeared to be 'Black Ops' type missions, which were snuck in under his nose. One of the missions went terribly wrong and the payload they were carrying somehow incinerated the planet Earth.

Wow - how's that for a series opener.

Well, this alien race caught up with them, saved their bacon at the last minute and teleported them 5 years into the past. Apparently, there were unseen forces at work, right under everyone's noses, which were evil, clandestine and trying to take over. The Drones-In-Suits at Showtime decided to cancel the series. Luckily, the last episode tied up most of the loose ends, but there were some questions which are still unanswered. These twits and the over-paid lower-primates at Fox deserve a huge boot in the 'bah-jine-er' as they tend to shit-can series when they are getting exciting. (Open letter to Rupert Murdoch - I would like to bitch-slap you for cancelling 'Terminator - The Sara Connor Chronicles' - if I ever meet you, I will turn you around and boot you in your arse so hard you will land back in the Land Down Under).

Anyway, this is not about TV shows - it is about what we have become. Selfish, phony, plastic, greedy, narcissistic assholes. We order our coffee 'grande', our salads are 'Al Fresco', our sauces are chipolte, Dijon and lite ranch. Our cars have to have the latest gadgetry, our mobile phones have to be 1-million G and our televisions have to be 1080p and 3D LED - even though no one broadcasts in 1080p yet!.

I think what sparked this in me is this advert that I saw on the web - the graphic on the right:

"Life Is Short - Have An Affair"

Holy Shite, Batman! I know more couples that are splitting up than ones that are staying together. No one is happy with their spouse. Everyone is miserable. The girls are starving for attention, so they get the nicest clothes, try to lose weight and change their hair just to get the boys to notice them. Guys just continue to coast along, get fat, drink beer, and play video games. Hey, I am not perfect by any means. I am on my second marriage. My wife has kicked me in the ass more than once. I sometimes make her crazy. However, when it gets right down to it, I appreciate her for who she is. I don't care if she needs to lose a few pounds. I could care less about the graying. I love her for who she is. We talk. I sometimes beat things to death. If she catches me in a fib or a double-standard, I own up. The rules are the same for both of us. As do I point out when she, once in a rare blue-moon, pulls a double-standard on me.

So, I see an advert telling me to have an affair, sporting a large-breasted woman, sitting there, half-nekkid, in a position that is encouraging me to have sex with her. Yes, I said it. So, some guy (or gal), who is in a tumultuous relationship, will see this and the wheels will start. Yeah, so start looking on whatever web page this directs you to. Soon enough, you will be out gyrating between the sheets at Motel 6 (may even leave the light on for ya - yeah, do it with the lights on! You can see her stretch marks and she can see your zit-scars and shag carpet - ha - SHAG! HA!!)

So, now you have gone to the 'cheatin side o town'. How do you feel? Lots of implications now. What is he/she thinking? What are you thinking? You have opened a huge Pandora's Box. Oh yes. What do you do now? You go home, and kiss your kids goodnight. You crawl into bed with your spouse. How do you feel? This is the person you married. For better or worse, 'til death do us part?

Let it be known that I am not perfect. I don't have skeletons, I have a whole graveyard in my closet. I am not going to admit or deny anything, but I will say that you, my friend, have begun to tread on dangerous ground. All because that little advert in the corner of your web browser.

Let's face facts, boys and girls. We all have free will. We all decide what we do and don't do. We are all smart enough to realise what is good, bad, right and wrong.

So, my point of view? Why not have an advert to 'remind you of what made you fall all over one another in the first place' - wow, would that not be a shocker!

We can go out together, you with your graying hair, me with my carpet. I will order a large coffee, and you can order turkey sandwich with mustard and pickles on it. Then we can go home together, in our 7 year old mini-van and watch our 6 year old TV. I will call my dad on my old Nokia 6600 GSM phone. We will think about the things that make us happy together. I will tell you my secrets and you will tell me yours. I will kiss our kids goodnight with a clear conscience and will tell you that I love you with a clear conscience.

Oh, one more thing: I will search for things on the web to make our relationship interesting...and yes, I will make your tea for you and it will not be 'grande' - it will be in a very large glass with ice.

"..Hey, I think you need just a little touch-up...yeah, little touch-up.."

For those of you that are old enough to remember the Chevy Chase/Gregory Hines/Sigourney Weaver film 'Deal Of The Century. I think this is a suitable quote.
Eddie Muntz, played by Chevy Chase, a smug arms dealer, and a really smooth as silk salesman, helps peddle a $300M drone from the fictitious company called 'Luckup Corporation'. In the process, he has Catherine DeVoto (Weaver) jump in the sack with a Banana Republic Dictator to help broker the deal. At one point in the movie, Ray Kasternak (Hines) gets pissed off at someone in a parking lot, takes a flame thrower out of the back of his car and torches the other guy's car with it. He uses the phrase "...needs a little touch-up....just a little..." and blasts the guys car with his flame thrower.

Later on in the movie, he is flying a jet fighter and someone is trying to shoot him down with the 'Peacemaker' (see image above). Eddie messes up the remote controls and the drone flies out of control and Kasternak gets a target lock on the drone and just before he destroys it, he says "...I think it needs a little touch-up..." ..and then blows it out of the sky.

This dit is about me giving someone and their family a 'little touch-up'. I did not burn anyone or blow them up. I felt it necessary to put a teenage boy and his family in their place.

Last Sunday was Mother's Day. I like to take Cathy, her mom and the kids out for a quiet dinner. We normally go to some out-of-the-way place as I lose patience quickly with crowds and they stress my son out a little. For those of you that know me, my 12 year old son has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Some days are better than others for him, sometimes he can be so manic that just being in the same room with him can be exhausting. Some days, he is really calm, really collective and really together. He cannot deal with stress and anxiety like most 'typical' folks. One of his coping skills is that he talks to himself - out loud. Sometimes singing, sometimes talking about something that happened earlier that day, or even a week ago - you get the idea.

We were at this quaint little Mom-and-Pop place out in Epsom NH. The service is excellent, his prices are fair and the food is all made from scratch. I have always loved the "non-corporate-evil-rubberstamp-cold-gimme-yer-money" places. Jordan had to go to the bathroom. I sent him in alone as it was in plain view with no 'escape routes' - not him I don't trust. Too many freakin' weirdos in the world - even out in BuFu, NH.

So, this family comes in, teenage son, grandparents, mom, dad, adult daughter with a baby and they all sat down near us. I saw the teenage son get up to go use the toilet. He comes out and announces, through laughter: "..HEY! There is some weirdo in the bathroom stall talking to himself....Ha! Weirdo!!"

Well, needless to say, I was pissed off. His parents said nothing, I heard a few giggles around the table and he was happy to be the center of attention. I think I was filled with anger and hurt. My first thought was to pummel that little shite into a greasy spot on the carpet, then go to work on his mom and dad for not correcting the behavior. Then to proceed to grab the coffee pot from the coffee station and pour it all over everyone's dinners. However, in the real world, you tend to get arrested for shit like that.

I waited, and waited, and waited - tried to let it go. No. Not gonna happen.

When we were about to leave, I told Cathy my dilemma. She looked at me and said "..if you are going to confront them, wait until I leave - confrontation makes me really uncomfortable."

I waited with Jordan - Cathy, Mikayla and her Mom left. I took Jordan by the hand and walked over to the table and stood glaring at the teenage son and his parents:

"Hey, you know that 'weirdo' in the bathroom that you announced to the restaurant?"

"yeah..", he giggled.

"..well, that 'weirdo' was my autistic son - he deals with stress and anxiety that way. You may want to engage your brain before opening your mouth in the future."

I glared at everyone around the table, the parents looked at me like I had just shot someone, the teenage son was clearly ashamed and embarrassed and the rest of the family was either frozen in mid-bite or had a look of "Jesus, I am gonna puke." on their faces. I stood there with Jordan for about another 10 or 15 seconds and none of them would look me in the eye.

Dead silence. Imagine a cartoon where everyone is trying not to look around and the only sound you hear is crickets chirping.

I walked away. I figured that I had tortured them enough. Now for the pathetic part:

I felt bad for what I did. Took me about 15-30 seconds to get to the door and outside of the restaurant. By the time I was outside, I wanted to go back and apologize. Cathy said "..no, he deserved it." Cathy's mom, Rae, said "...no Glen...people need to be told. You did the right thing."

Now, a side note from me: I am the first sonofabitch to poke fun at someone/something. However, I try to be much more incognito about it. I don't announce that there is a 'She-Man' at the next table, or the person stuffing their cake-hole with food and talking with their mouth full as bits of food fall out all over their shirt. I try to be subtle about it - not announcing it. Cathy, Rae and I get a little laugh out of it but I try to make sure no one else hears.

So, is this Karma biting me in the arse? Perhaps. It makes me think about what I need to do and say before I do an say it. So, perhaps this is a message? Does this make me a bad person? Well, I was brought up to be considerate of others. I don't think I am hurting anyone if they don't hear or see? I would never openly mock someone as a result of a disability or dysfunction. Jokes in the oasis of my car or house, but never where anyone else can hear.

However, if someone did that to me, I would probably have the same reaction. I would probably want to crawl under a rock.

So, I will continue to be careful not to piss people off too much.

Perhaps I should back off a little.

Glen

Obsessed with body image - what about if we became obsessed with 'mind image'

Well, I was checking tweets, Facebook post and other various methods of bullshit flying around the net and I came across this:

http://izismile.com/2009/03/27/why_do_some_girls_cut_their_pictures_and_leave_only_their_faces_2_pics.html>

It kind of irritates me that 'Maxim' and 'FHM' have these columns called 'Fatty of The Month' and I hear Frat-Boy types say "NO FAT CHICKS!" and have it printed on their garb.

Personally, if I were a single guy, looking for a gal, I would LOVE to see a photo like this. Not only is this a real person, but at least I know that if I took her out to a restaurant or cooked her dinner, she would probably eat it. If I brought her chocolates, she would love me forever. If after a movie or show, I said "...hey, I am hungry, let's get snacks..." I would be able to share an order of 7-11 nachos with that wonderful artificial jalapeno cheese sauce on them - uff!

There is something to be said about a gal that is carrying a few extra pounds on her. Every chubby girl that I know ( and I use the term chubby with much love and kindness) has a wonderful personality, friendly and caring, appreciates all the nice things you do, expects nothing, are the kindest, best manners, and are eager to be good to you. I know that there are younger folks on here, but all of the larger/plus-size gals in my life have also been the absolute best when it came to, shall I say, 'being intimate' - wow - unforgettable.

So, I am going to start a new trend. I am going to become obsessed with 'mind image' So, if I meet this chicky-poo that looks like she just stepped off of a catwalk in Milan, and she is a total spoiled high-maintenance bitch that thinks I should kiss her arse because of the way she looks, then, okay - all skinny, attractive girls are bitches and I want nothing to do with them. I will don my hat/t-shirt/ bumper sticker that says "NO SKINNY CHICKS!!!" and in my magazine I will have a column that is entitled "Skeletor Bitch Of The Month" . I will open a club that when a skinny starving Kate-Moss-Circa-Middle-'90s wanders in , I will gather all my buddies together to say "...ha....bet she couldn't eat a raisin....ha..if she swallowed an orange whole, 100 guys would leave town....ha....skinny-bitch, skinny-bitch...here, have a hamburger so you have the energy to walk over to the bar to order your drink...ha....let's lock her in the bathroom - in 10 minutes she will die of starvation...ha...stand back everyone...she looks like she is gonna PURGE....!!!!"

So, just because a girl is overweight, that doesn't mean that she is not a wonderful person? I can list at least 5 women right this second, that are clearly overweight and I just love hanging out with them. Why? Because it makes me happy to be around them - why? They are pleasant, polite and just all-around nice and warm and fuzzy.

So, before the next Frat Boy giggles at the pudgy gal or the next asshole is wearing a 'NO FAT CHICKS!' t-shirt/hat, think about how much you are hurting someone. Think about what it would feel like to be humiliated, stripped of your pride and your self-esteem shattered in a million pieces at your feet.

Sir-Mix-A-Lot "...I like big butts and I cannot lie...other brothers can't deny..."

Queen "..fat bottomed girls, make the rockin' world go 'round'..."

Spinal Tap "...Big bottom, big bottom
Talk about bum cakes, my girl's got 'em
Big bottom drive me out of my mind
How could I leave this behind?...."


Peace all - Glen

Okay - now I am scared! She is gonna chop something off!!! What the hell is wrong with her??!!

Okay - be honest with me. How many guys out there have said that about their wives, girlfriends, significant others? Show of hands: Okay....one...two....20...30...100...1000. Wow! We must have real bitches living with us!

Hang on a minute - before you start sending hate mail and egging my car and house, keep reading. Believe it or not, this blog is STANDING UP for the ladies - yes, I am taking the girls' side on this one.

I have a Russian friend - Ukrainian, actually. I met this young fellow as he had tasked me to do some Java and database work for him. Really nice guy. However, this is not about him.

I have always been fascinated with the Russian language. It looks cool, sounds cool, every Russian person I have ever met, I have found them intriguing. So, I want to learn the language a little better. I went looking for audiobooks - the library in town here allows you to check them out over the web and they have a DRM embedded in them. They 'bomb out' after 14 days. If I looked a little harder, I would like to find away around that, just to say that I can - but that is for another day..

Anyway - I was looking for a book on Russian phrases, and I literally stumbled across a book by a woman named Cathi Hanauer called 'The Bitch In The House - 26 Women Tell the Truth About Sex, Solitude, Work, Motherhood, and Marriage"

http://www.harpercollins.com/authors/20928/Cathi_Hanauer/index.aspx

I remember hearing about this book on NPR a while back - They interviewed Ms Hanauer and she was quite interesting. She told of the gals that she interviewed for this book, from all walks of life - younger, older, richer, poorer, slender gals, larger plus-size gals - 26 in total. One for every letter of the alphabet perhaps?

Well, I listened to this book over the last few days while I was helping this Russian fellow as well as a fellow from the UK and another in Portugal.

The stories were told by the women themselves and their voices were filled with emotion. Sometimes resentment, sometimes happiness, sometimes sorrow. The main two subjects - relationships and kids. The relationship dialogs were the ones that really got to me. I think that being guys we are programmed to really do two things: procreate and provide. If you strip away all of the higher thinking, the logic, the learned common-sense and the fact that we won't pay attention unless there is a plate of chicken wings or some naked naughty-bits involved, that is really what us guys are. Hunters and collectors.

Now, I would never pretend to be an expert on marriage or relationships. However, I have been married twice - the first one was like a constant monsoon of fighting and bickering. I don't really think we even liked each other. Maybe in the beginning, but it quickly turned very sour. I am not going to point fingers, but the expression "it takes two to Tango" comes to mind.

Girls are brought up believing that there is a Prince Charming out there that will sweep her off of her feet and carry her away into the sunset living happily ever after. Boys grow up having a constant erection from the time they are 12. They watch porno and believe that is what women want. They look at girly-mags and think all women are submissive and just want to get naked with them and moan like an animal.

Both of us are wrong - so, so very wrong.

Although Price Charming is from a fairy-tale and pornography is choreographed and the naked girls in the magazines are air-brushed and spend 3 hours with a beautician before hand, most of us are real people. We have real feelings and do not come out of a magazine or fairy-tale.

I think that women are programmed at a very basic level to be maternal, to be caring, to be nurturing and to give birth to babies. Then they are programmed to take care of those babies, no matter what. They look to us guys for protection and help. That is good, it makes us feel important. It boosts the self-esteem that was destroyed by our Step-Monster when we were kids. So, these are good things. However, when we sit on our asses watching football or hockey when the kids are screaming because they are bored, then Mom gets a little pissed off. When Dad says "..I will be home at usual time..." and he wanders in the house 2 hours late, smelling like cigarettes and beer, of course Mom is going to be pissed off. When the faucet drips or the sprayer hose in the sink doesn't work and Dad says "..yeah, I will get right to it...". Then when the kids are out at a friends' place or Dad is home all day by himself and Mom walks into the house and Dad is either playing Halo 3 or gawking at streaming porn on the web, Mom gets really, REALLY pissed off! When things like this go on for weeks, months even years, the resentment and anger builds and builds and...

You get to keep your '74 Vette and she gets the mini-van. You see the kids every other weekend and celebrations. She stays in the house because she has the kids 75% of the time. You move into a swingin' bachelor pad.

Now here is the really, REALLY funny part. You wake up one morning, all your clothes are dirty, you are going to be late and you say to yourself "...how the hell did I get here?? Where did my marriage go wrong....??"

Wow - us guys are freakin' clueless. I will be honest, at 43 I am just figuring this out. After listening to these stories that these women told, it made some little switch in my head go 'CLICK!' . A loud, almost deafening click. It opened up a little door and inside that door there was a sign. This sign said: "Did you ever stop to think that what YOU are doing is making her angry?" You know what? Yes, I probably do things on a regular basis that get under my wife's skin. One of the women in the book said "I don't WANT to have to take care of another kid, either - I already am busy enough with the two that I have". I know my missus has said that to me. Also, wandering in the door one night, she had this stressed-out anxious look on her face and her hair was all messy - like the tired cartoon duck or cat or hen mom that I used to see in Merrie Melodies as a youngster. I laughed and told her the story and at least got a chuckle out of it.

In closing, I want to quote one of the women in the book. She was of the Judea Faith and she spoke of something that her Rabbi said to her when she approached her Synagogue as she wanted a traditional Jewish wedding. He said to her the following:

"If you want to get married, I can give you two pieces of advice . One: decide BEFORE you get married if you want to have children and how many you want to have. Two: love the other person more than you love yourself and treat them as such. You and your future husband follow those two basic rules about marriage, and you will be fine. You will be happy forever" .

I may have misquoted a little bit but I think I get the basic advice that Rabbi was giving. How many couples are out there where he doesn't want kids but she does and vice-versa. How many couples out there take the other partner for granted? I can think of two or three couples right off the top of my head that I know for a fact did not follow those two basic rules and they are either divorced, getting divorced or separated and cannot stand each other now.

Hey, I am not perfect. I make many, MANY mistakes. My missus and I share each other's lives. I try to tell her what is going on with me and she tries to tell me what is going on with her. Sometimes you 'sit on' things for a while because you know it is going to be painful when it comes out, but after it does, it can make or break your relationship.

I am going to tell my wife that I love her and that I appreciate having her around. She is sticking by me during a very tough time for both of us.

Oh, all of you - read the book - or sign out the audio book. All couples - do this - please.

Peace - Glen